Weekend fun

The highlight of this last weekend was seeing my old college roommate.  There were some struggles getting to the meet-up, but it ended up working out perfectly.  It was so wonderful to see someone that I had so many years of history with, it was really a good anchor for me, especially as I'd just had a fight with Blaine before I left.  It was just like old times with her especially since I swear she hasn't changed a bit looks-wise since I've known her :)  Also, seeing other women my age who went through divorce was helpful for me, to know that once a marriage is over, life can still be good.

Going from that thought, I then came to an interesting self-assessment over the rest of the weekend.  (**warning, lots of boring talk about me psychoanalyzing myself ahead**)

When I got married, I worked so hard at becoming Amy Lincoln, that somehow I lost Amy Zundel in the process.  I tried so hard to be the person that Blaine would like, I wasn't me anymore.  I guess I thought that who I was wasn't good enough, and if he didn't approve of a specific talent or interest, then it wasn't worth pursuing.  I ended up repressing a lot of myself trying to do what would make him happy, and then I would believe him when he wouldn't tell me that I was good at things (singing, crafts, etc).  (for the record, this isn't to place the blame on him, I should have known better than to wait for compliments to feel good about myself)

I was playing with my cell phone last night, singing into the voice recorder.  And you know what?  I'm good at singing :)

I also lost touch with a lot of my past.  My new china cabinet has actually been therapeutic in that respect.  It could be because I'm a girl, but I love to see my treasures laid out.  They all represent something about my life, and they all remind me of an event or time in my life.  Rather symbolically I suppose, nearly everything that's displayed in there now has been hidden away for many years, because I had no place in my life to put them (mostly because he hates curio cabinets).  So, now I'm finding things around the house even dating back to my childhood, stashed in boxes, that I've kept hidden away.  Being able to display the things, even if I'm the only one that's going to see them, has really felt good.  Who knew a piece of furniture could be so meaningful?

Day one ... only 180 or so to go

So, as I've mentioned before, in CA there is a required six month waiting period before the divorce is final.  The waiting period however, doesn't start until after the defendant is served their papers.  Finally after much waiting, I got served my papers today.  We've technically been seperated since Aug 4.

It's frustrating to have to go through all of this, but at least there's progress being made in one direction or another.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot to report on as far as the actual divorce goes.  We need to get into high gear to get our stuff seperated and gotten rid of so I can move to a smaller house so we're not paying an arm and a leg to keep up a huge house that we don't need.  Hopefully we'll make a start on that this weekend.

Also of interest this weekend, I'm planning on seeing a college roommate that I haven't seen in over 5 years.  I'm totally excited to see her!!  As long as timing works out, I'm planning on in two weeks from today/tomorrow heading up to Seattle for the weekend to hang out with her and another college roommate who live up that way.  I could use the time off, and it would be amazing to spend time with those girls.

Labor day weekend

On the tenth anniversary of the weekend that Blaine and I decided to date exclusively, he moved out of our house and into an apartment.

In some ways the day was easier than I thought it would be, and in other respects it was much harder.

I had thought I wouldn't be able to be there watching him pack the truck without a great many tears. It was hard, but I was able to help most of the move, which was good, because he'd only invited one friend to help him move out. I did have a rough time for a bit, but got past it.

However, I hadn't realized how empty the house would feel with him gone. It's been really difficult to come home and see his car not in the driveway, and know it's not going to show up. Also, I've been surprised how much I miss Maggie. While it's nice to be able to not have to be careful about a cat running outside, she's just so perky and always cheered me up. At least I've still got Peeves, the codependent cat that I'm the only person in the world he loves. He's a sweet cat, and I couldn't have made it this far without him.

Today is September 4, the one month anniversary of when he broke the news to me on August 4. The emotional roller coaster that was August wears me out just thinking about it. Hopefully September is more of an even keel, but there's still so much left to do.

I still haven't gotten the call from the lawyer to let me know my papers are done, so the 6 month timer STILL hasn't started. I suppose that's not entirely bad, but it's just frustrating to me. I hate being in limbo.

Leaving the state has become tempting too :) Even though I have so many friends, it's becoming harder and harder to live in the middle of all the memories of life with Blaine. Everywhere I go I think of him. Heck, the car I drive used to be "his", so I'm starting to understand those sad breakup songs that talk about not being able to get the old boyfriend out of their head. I've got a friend in Idaho and another in Seattle who would love it if I moved by them, and if my cousin in Phoenix ever wants to open the flower shop, I'm totally there. I'm starting to think at least some kind of vacation might be healthy for me to just get away from the pain I'm dealing with now. Of course, I have to be careful with that, since my remedy to any kind of pain is just to run off and not deal with it, so who knows, maybe I'd be better off staying.

All I do know is that I'd like for it to stop hurting.

I miss Blaine, and I wish only the best for him.

**Edited to add: I have been informed that I have several friends in Seattle that would be overjoyed to see me :)

Another update

First, thanks to the people who replied to my last post, I think three replies is a blog record for me ;-)

So Blaine is definitely moving out this weekend. He's got a new apartment that will be really close to work, which will be good for him.

Happily we have two sets of nearly everything (living room furniture, bedroom furniture, dishes, utensils, etc.), although we don't have two dining sets. However, I was copied on an email blast from someone in my ward's RS who was looking to get rid of her dining set - so a total score for me. I managed to check my email a minute or two after she sent it, so I was totally the first one to call. Yay! It even comes with a china cabinet with the half on top glass shelves with a mirrored back. I've been dying to get a curio cabinet, but this will work too.

People keep asking me how I'm doing, and honestly it changes from hour to hour. When I'm not thinking about it, I'm not too bad, but it's been more and more on my mind lately with Blaine moving out on Saturday. Mostly I've been really sad. Doing missionary and service stuff has definitely helped get me out of my own head to stop moping around, but it's getting harder and harder to distract myself now that his moving out is getting closer. We submitted the initial paperwork to the court earlier in the week, and that didn't bug me nearly as much as him moving out for some reason. Maybe because I do paperwork all day for a living and it's gotten pretty meaningless at this point, but living alone freaks me out.

Anyway, I'm lucky that Blaine and I are amicable, his family still likes me, everyone I've told has been understanding and supportive, and I have good friends and family to be there for me.

I plan to keep this blog updated with the general status-type things that are going on with the divorce since people ask me all the time, and I'd rather not have it plastered all over Facebook, since this is slightly more anonymous, although the blog is linked from Facebook. But as always, if you have questions let me know.

It's official

So, for anyone that hasn't heard the news yet, Blaine and I are officially getting divorced. We talked to the lawyer yesterday, and the legal paperwork has been begun.

We've been having a tough time for a while, but I'd thought we were doing better. I went out to visit his sisters for Craft weekend July 31-Aug 3, and on Monday night Aug. 4 was when he told me he really did want to go through with a divorce. I was in town Tuesday, and then flew out first thing Wednesday morning to go to my sister's reception in Phoenix. It was nice to be with my family for such an emotional time.

It's now been two weeks, and I'm in a better phase of the grief process.

Stages of grief:

1. Denial: "Nothing's wrong, we're fine, I don't know what you're talking about. This can't be happening to me. When I wake up tomorrow, this will have been a dream."
2. Anger: "How could you do this to me???"
3. Bargaining: "Just work on it with me, we can do this if we both work on it together" (well, more about that another time)
4. Depression: "I don't want to be alone, no one will want me, life just isn't worth living"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be ok, I can do this, maybe it is for the best"

I've made it up to 5, with the occasional regression back to 4.

So, as of now, Blaine will be moving down to the San Jose area to be by work. I'll stay in the house for a few months until we can sort our piles of stuff down to a manageable size, and then I'll move to a one bedroom apartment in the area to stay by my job.

The plan is for Blaine to take Maggie, and I'll take Peeves.

My current quandry is whether to keep my married name, or go back to my maiden name. We don't have kids, but my career (what there has been of it) has all been with my married last name. So confusing.

Anyway, if anyone has questions, etc, feel free to ask.