Back to the East Coast

Good news, my cat Peeves and I have arrived safely in Maryland (flew in on the 15th) and are adjusting to living with my parents. So far so good, hopefully Peeves will get comfortable with the dog that lives here eventually! But in the meantime my parents gave us one of the biggest bedrooms, so he just hangs out there. He's doing well, so I'm grateful for that small miracle.

As for most of my worldly posessions, they are in storage and won't get retrieved until I figure out where to settle permanently. Monday (tomorrow) I'll work more on getting a job, but it has been nice to be somewhere that I can relax. I didn't realize just how stressed out I was on CA until now that I'm gone.

As for the divorce, I need to try and get a hold of our lawyer to get our addresses changed with the court and to get my asset/income/expenses list submitted. I'd been procrastinating submitting it until after I moved, so it's about that time.

One more shout out to my awesome parents for having a bedroom all ready for me when I got here along with all the kitty supplies Peeves needed, so I could just unpack and be all set. I'm so grateful for them for being here for me while my life is so crazy, they're helping more than they could ever know. Feeling like I belong somehwere again feels great.

Now I just need to try and get through this feeling of total surrealness, it feels so strange to be back in this house. I moved out nearly 15 years ago, so it's very odd to be back. There was almost no one left in the ward that I remembered.

Procrastinate? Who, me?

Yeah, so it's the night before the movers come and I've barely touched any boxes today. I have been so blessed to have had help this past few weeks from the people in my church, otherwise I wouldn't be nearly as far along with all this packing as I am now. It's in a good enough state for them to move the majority of my stuff, but I wish I was further along.

Still, that wish doesn't seem to help me being frozen with nerves, since it seems that it is finally sinking in what I'm doing. I've never felt so alone, I've definitely never spent this much time alone. My life plans are kind of a black hole after I get to the East Coast, and it feels like that's really rushing towards me. I suppose it is. I'm sleeping on my bed for the last time tonight, and in a week from tomorrow, I fly out. It all seems so final.

I've never had to be this dependent on others, and frankly it feels pretty strange. Also, I'm used to being excited for moves, and having a partner in crime so to speak who I can depend on to back me up. Now I'm all alone and feeling very nervous. At the risk of sounding like a crazy cat lady, having my cat to keep me company has been great, although his lack of opposable thumbs leaves him somewhat deficient in the packing assistance department. At least he's better behaved than Maggie, who would likely be frolicking about annoyingly through all the boxes around the house.

I'm grateful for all the friendship that's been shown to me but it's kind of bittersweet, since the reason for the getting to know each other excuse is that I'm moving.

Another part of my frustration stems from my husband. I don't necessarily blame him for the problems this situation has caused, but it's difficult to be so used to having a partner in life and then have that torn away forcing me to be independant. It feels like a big piece of me is missing. And then when he comes over and has such an obvious difficulty being around me and the house, it hurts, and feels like I've somehow fallen through the looking glass and am stuck in opposite land.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to having this part of the move over and done with, everyone keep your fingers crossed for my cat who hates change :)

You Can Bring Us Cookies Anytime!

So in trying to use up various ingredients around the house, I can across a cookie recipie which is really yummy and chocolatey :) I made some the other day and didn't have enough to really give away, so today I doubled the recipie and didn't make the cookies so huge - so I ended up with enough to give out. I gave plates to some of my neighbors and had some really positive feedback. The title quote for today was from a 10 year old. I hung out while the kids and parents had a cookie, and on my way out and was saying my goodbyes, the girl looked at me with big innocent eyes and said "You can come over and bring us cookies anytime!" Hmmm... True love I guess :)

In other news, I'm going to be moving out of California in about a month to go home and live with my parents in Maryland. My littlest brother will be the only sibling left at home, it'll be fun to spend some extended time with him since I've never had the chance before. Hopfully my cat will be ok living with my parents dog for a while...

Thanks to everyone who's sent me emails, I know I'm bad at responding but it's realy nice to remember my friends scattered around still remember me :)

Weekend fun

The highlight of this last weekend was seeing my old college roommate.  There were some struggles getting to the meet-up, but it ended up working out perfectly.  It was so wonderful to see someone that I had so many years of history with, it was really a good anchor for me, especially as I'd just had a fight with Blaine before I left.  It was just like old times with her especially since I swear she hasn't changed a bit looks-wise since I've known her :)  Also, seeing other women my age who went through divorce was helpful for me, to know that once a marriage is over, life can still be good.

Going from that thought, I then came to an interesting self-assessment over the rest of the weekend.  (**warning, lots of boring talk about me psychoanalyzing myself ahead**)

When I got married, I worked so hard at becoming Amy Lincoln, that somehow I lost Amy Zundel in the process.  I tried so hard to be the person that Blaine would like, I wasn't me anymore.  I guess I thought that who I was wasn't good enough, and if he didn't approve of a specific talent or interest, then it wasn't worth pursuing.  I ended up repressing a lot of myself trying to do what would make him happy, and then I would believe him when he wouldn't tell me that I was good at things (singing, crafts, etc).  (for the record, this isn't to place the blame on him, I should have known better than to wait for compliments to feel good about myself)

I was playing with my cell phone last night, singing into the voice recorder.  And you know what?  I'm good at singing :)

I also lost touch with a lot of my past.  My new china cabinet has actually been therapeutic in that respect.  It could be because I'm a girl, but I love to see my treasures laid out.  They all represent something about my life, and they all remind me of an event or time in my life.  Rather symbolically I suppose, nearly everything that's displayed in there now has been hidden away for many years, because I had no place in my life to put them (mostly because he hates curio cabinets).  So, now I'm finding things around the house even dating back to my childhood, stashed in boxes, that I've kept hidden away.  Being able to display the things, even if I'm the only one that's going to see them, has really felt good.  Who knew a piece of furniture could be so meaningful?

Day one ... only 180 or so to go

So, as I've mentioned before, in CA there is a required six month waiting period before the divorce is final.  The waiting period however, doesn't start until after the defendant is served their papers.  Finally after much waiting, I got served my papers today.  We've technically been seperated since Aug 4.

It's frustrating to have to go through all of this, but at least there's progress being made in one direction or another.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot to report on as far as the actual divorce goes.  We need to get into high gear to get our stuff seperated and gotten rid of so I can move to a smaller house so we're not paying an arm and a leg to keep up a huge house that we don't need.  Hopefully we'll make a start on that this weekend.

Also of interest this weekend, I'm planning on seeing a college roommate that I haven't seen in over 5 years.  I'm totally excited to see her!!  As long as timing works out, I'm planning on in two weeks from today/tomorrow heading up to Seattle for the weekend to hang out with her and another college roommate who live up that way.  I could use the time off, and it would be amazing to spend time with those girls.

Labor day weekend

On the tenth anniversary of the weekend that Blaine and I decided to date exclusively, he moved out of our house and into an apartment.

In some ways the day was easier than I thought it would be, and in other respects it was much harder.

I had thought I wouldn't be able to be there watching him pack the truck without a great many tears. It was hard, but I was able to help most of the move, which was good, because he'd only invited one friend to help him move out. I did have a rough time for a bit, but got past it.

However, I hadn't realized how empty the house would feel with him gone. It's been really difficult to come home and see his car not in the driveway, and know it's not going to show up. Also, I've been surprised how much I miss Maggie. While it's nice to be able to not have to be careful about a cat running outside, she's just so perky and always cheered me up. At least I've still got Peeves, the codependent cat that I'm the only person in the world he loves. He's a sweet cat, and I couldn't have made it this far without him.

Today is September 4, the one month anniversary of when he broke the news to me on August 4. The emotional roller coaster that was August wears me out just thinking about it. Hopefully September is more of an even keel, but there's still so much left to do.

I still haven't gotten the call from the lawyer to let me know my papers are done, so the 6 month timer STILL hasn't started. I suppose that's not entirely bad, but it's just frustrating to me. I hate being in limbo.

Leaving the state has become tempting too :) Even though I have so many friends, it's becoming harder and harder to live in the middle of all the memories of life with Blaine. Everywhere I go I think of him. Heck, the car I drive used to be "his", so I'm starting to understand those sad breakup songs that talk about not being able to get the old boyfriend out of their head. I've got a friend in Idaho and another in Seattle who would love it if I moved by them, and if my cousin in Phoenix ever wants to open the flower shop, I'm totally there. I'm starting to think at least some kind of vacation might be healthy for me to just get away from the pain I'm dealing with now. Of course, I have to be careful with that, since my remedy to any kind of pain is just to run off and not deal with it, so who knows, maybe I'd be better off staying.

All I do know is that I'd like for it to stop hurting.

I miss Blaine, and I wish only the best for him.

**Edited to add: I have been informed that I have several friends in Seattle that would be overjoyed to see me :)

Another update

First, thanks to the people who replied to my last post, I think three replies is a blog record for me ;-)

So Blaine is definitely moving out this weekend. He's got a new apartment that will be really close to work, which will be good for him.

Happily we have two sets of nearly everything (living room furniture, bedroom furniture, dishes, utensils, etc.), although we don't have two dining sets. However, I was copied on an email blast from someone in my ward's RS who was looking to get rid of her dining set - so a total score for me. I managed to check my email a minute or two after she sent it, so I was totally the first one to call. Yay! It even comes with a china cabinet with the half on top glass shelves with a mirrored back. I've been dying to get a curio cabinet, but this will work too.

People keep asking me how I'm doing, and honestly it changes from hour to hour. When I'm not thinking about it, I'm not too bad, but it's been more and more on my mind lately with Blaine moving out on Saturday. Mostly I've been really sad. Doing missionary and service stuff has definitely helped get me out of my own head to stop moping around, but it's getting harder and harder to distract myself now that his moving out is getting closer. We submitted the initial paperwork to the court earlier in the week, and that didn't bug me nearly as much as him moving out for some reason. Maybe because I do paperwork all day for a living and it's gotten pretty meaningless at this point, but living alone freaks me out.

Anyway, I'm lucky that Blaine and I are amicable, his family still likes me, everyone I've told has been understanding and supportive, and I have good friends and family to be there for me.

I plan to keep this blog updated with the general status-type things that are going on with the divorce since people ask me all the time, and I'd rather not have it plastered all over Facebook, since this is slightly more anonymous, although the blog is linked from Facebook. But as always, if you have questions let me know.

It's official

So, for anyone that hasn't heard the news yet, Blaine and I are officially getting divorced. We talked to the lawyer yesterday, and the legal paperwork has been begun.

We've been having a tough time for a while, but I'd thought we were doing better. I went out to visit his sisters for Craft weekend July 31-Aug 3, and on Monday night Aug. 4 was when he told me he really did want to go through with a divorce. I was in town Tuesday, and then flew out first thing Wednesday morning to go to my sister's reception in Phoenix. It was nice to be with my family for such an emotional time.

It's now been two weeks, and I'm in a better phase of the grief process.

Stages of grief:

1. Denial: "Nothing's wrong, we're fine, I don't know what you're talking about. This can't be happening to me. When I wake up tomorrow, this will have been a dream."
2. Anger: "How could you do this to me???"
3. Bargaining: "Just work on it with me, we can do this if we both work on it together" (well, more about that another time)
4. Depression: "I don't want to be alone, no one will want me, life just isn't worth living"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be ok, I can do this, maybe it is for the best"

I've made it up to 5, with the occasional regression back to 4.

So, as of now, Blaine will be moving down to the San Jose area to be by work. I'll stay in the house for a few months until we can sort our piles of stuff down to a manageable size, and then I'll move to a one bedroom apartment in the area to stay by my job.

The plan is for Blaine to take Maggie, and I'll take Peeves.

My current quandry is whether to keep my married name, or go back to my maiden name. We don't have kids, but my career (what there has been of it) has all been with my married last name. So confusing.

Anyway, if anyone has questions, etc, feel free to ask.

subscribing to this blog

So, apparently bloglet has been out of commision for a couple of years now... and no one told me. I guess that means whoever was subscribed to it before really didn't care that much!! Anyway, for anyone that feels the need to re-subscribe with a new service, there's a FeedBurner link in the right hand margin of the blog which should be functional. Google owns FeedBurner, so hopefully it won't disappear in the night on me...

Updates for 2008

So, happy day in our family, my husband starts his new job today! He's been nothing short of miserable in his last job, which has been sad for him, and also sad for me since it's no fun being married to someone that irritable. We had moved out to California because of how wonderful of a job opportunity it sounded like, and it's been hard to see him as more and more promises were broken, and the situation there was more and more uncomfortable. Happily, this new job seems right up his alley. The company is a large one, so they've got great benefits, and overall seem like a good place to work. His commute will stay about the same, so that's good. He won't have to cross any bridges now, though, so that's $4/day raise right there!

Speaking of the benefits, the appear to cover infertility treatments, so we'll be firing up that machine again. We've got 5 embryos still in storage out east at our old facility, and it'll be easy enough to get them transferred out here (apparently FedEx really WILL ship anything!) and do a couple of rounds of FET. The only problem with that is I'm pretty apprehensive about stopping my fibromyalgia drugs and starting the fertility ones again. I'm really not looking forward to doing shots and bloodwork, that was so miserable. On the plus side, the facility is a sister clinic with the place I used to go to, and their location is right by work, so it'll be convenient.

And as a reminder to myself, I should probably post something about the newest fibromyalgia drugs I've tried recently. We are trying the neural inhibitor ones (Lyrica and Neurontin), with limited success so far. The Lyrica worked, but had unacceptable side effects. The Neurontin we're taking it slower, and no side effects yet, but no really noticible benefits either. No notable flareups though, so I'll be thankful for that at least.

Spring is here and I love it. Took some pictures of our rosebushes in the backyard yesterday, got some lovely pictures.

RIP Joshua Calvin Bunch

Feb. 5, 1920 - Feb. 4, 2008

crafty me

So... sometimes I like to make things. Sometimes = always...

Right, so lately it's jewelry and woodburning (a likely pair, I know)

It's not Christmas without someone throwing up...

So evidently, even when you don't have kids, you're not immune to the "curse of Christmas puking". 5:30am Christmas 2007 I got woken up by Peeves throwing up on the bedroom floor (thankfully, it's laminate, so it was an easy cleanup). I figured he had just eaten something he wasn't supposed to and it upset his stomach, so I went back to bed. Two hours later, it happened again, not so thankfully on the downstairs carpet.

When I tried to get him to eat and he refused tuna out of the can, we knew something was wrong. When he started making a horrible crying noise a little later, we knew it was serious, and found the local 24-hour vet emergency room.

They were open on Christmas, and after waiting what felt like forever, we saw a doctor. Evidently Peeves' bladder/urinary tract was blocked again, and he needed to be catheterized immediately. Apparently his bladder was about the size of an orange. To put that in perspective, a human's bladder is generally about that size. Not fun for my 15lb. cat!

So, we left him there, and the surgeon called us back the next day agreeing with another recommendation of the dr - that Peeves was a good candidate for a perineal urethrostomy (or PU for short).

Here is what healthypet.com says a perineal urethrostomy is:"The surgical procedure is called a perineal urethrostomy. Your veterinarian will remove much of the penis and the narrow portion of the urethra and leave a wider opening for the remaining portion under the anus. Your cat may be hospitalized for several days, and often a catheter will be left in place overnight or longer. Afterward, Kitty may be treated with antibiotics, urinary antiseptics, and urinary acidifiers. Post-operative care at home will require you to carefully observe Kitty and his potty habits."

He had the surgery the day after Christmas, and came home the day after that since he was really stressed by being at the vet with all the weird noises (this is the cat that gets scared if you crinkle a plastic bag in his general viscinity). He's still got the collar on, and is in his last week of confinement. He's supposed to go in next Thursday to get evaluated and hopefully get his stitches removed so he can get the collar off. Boy does he hate that thing. Most of all he hates the antibiotics, luckily tomorrow is the last day for them. His happy medication has run out (picture above is taken of him high as a kite - hence the happy relaxed expression!), and he's very sad about being left in a room alone. I suspect I'll be spending a fair amount of time this weekend keeping him company.