Back to the East Coast

Good news, my cat Peeves and I have arrived safely in Maryland (flew in on the 15th) and are adjusting to living with my parents. So far so good, hopefully Peeves will get comfortable with the dog that lives here eventually! But in the meantime my parents gave us one of the biggest bedrooms, so he just hangs out there. He's doing well, so I'm grateful for that small miracle.

As for most of my worldly posessions, they are in storage and won't get retrieved until I figure out where to settle permanently. Monday (tomorrow) I'll work more on getting a job, but it has been nice to be somewhere that I can relax. I didn't realize just how stressed out I was on CA until now that I'm gone.

As for the divorce, I need to try and get a hold of our lawyer to get our addresses changed with the court and to get my asset/income/expenses list submitted. I'd been procrastinating submitting it until after I moved, so it's about that time.

One more shout out to my awesome parents for having a bedroom all ready for me when I got here along with all the kitty supplies Peeves needed, so I could just unpack and be all set. I'm so grateful for them for being here for me while my life is so crazy, they're helping more than they could ever know. Feeling like I belong somehwere again feels great.

Now I just need to try and get through this feeling of total surrealness, it feels so strange to be back in this house. I moved out nearly 15 years ago, so it's very odd to be back. There was almost no one left in the ward that I remembered.

Procrastinate? Who, me?

Yeah, so it's the night before the movers come and I've barely touched any boxes today. I have been so blessed to have had help this past few weeks from the people in my church, otherwise I wouldn't be nearly as far along with all this packing as I am now. It's in a good enough state for them to move the majority of my stuff, but I wish I was further along.

Still, that wish doesn't seem to help me being frozen with nerves, since it seems that it is finally sinking in what I'm doing. I've never felt so alone, I've definitely never spent this much time alone. My life plans are kind of a black hole after I get to the East Coast, and it feels like that's really rushing towards me. I suppose it is. I'm sleeping on my bed for the last time tonight, and in a week from tomorrow, I fly out. It all seems so final.

I've never had to be this dependent on others, and frankly it feels pretty strange. Also, I'm used to being excited for moves, and having a partner in crime so to speak who I can depend on to back me up. Now I'm all alone and feeling very nervous. At the risk of sounding like a crazy cat lady, having my cat to keep me company has been great, although his lack of opposable thumbs leaves him somewhat deficient in the packing assistance department. At least he's better behaved than Maggie, who would likely be frolicking about annoyingly through all the boxes around the house.

I'm grateful for all the friendship that's been shown to me but it's kind of bittersweet, since the reason for the getting to know each other excuse is that I'm moving.

Another part of my frustration stems from my husband. I don't necessarily blame him for the problems this situation has caused, but it's difficult to be so used to having a partner in life and then have that torn away forcing me to be independant. It feels like a big piece of me is missing. And then when he comes over and has such an obvious difficulty being around me and the house, it hurts, and feels like I've somehow fallen through the looking glass and am stuck in opposite land.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to having this part of the move over and done with, everyone keep your fingers crossed for my cat who hates change :)

You Can Bring Us Cookies Anytime!

So in trying to use up various ingredients around the house, I can across a cookie recipie which is really yummy and chocolatey :) I made some the other day and didn't have enough to really give away, so today I doubled the recipie and didn't make the cookies so huge - so I ended up with enough to give out. I gave plates to some of my neighbors and had some really positive feedback. The title quote for today was from a 10 year old. I hung out while the kids and parents had a cookie, and on my way out and was saying my goodbyes, the girl looked at me with big innocent eyes and said "You can come over and bring us cookies anytime!" Hmmm... True love I guess :)

In other news, I'm going to be moving out of California in about a month to go home and live with my parents in Maryland. My littlest brother will be the only sibling left at home, it'll be fun to spend some extended time with him since I've never had the chance before. Hopfully my cat will be ok living with my parents dog for a while...

Thanks to everyone who's sent me emails, I know I'm bad at responding but it's realy nice to remember my friends scattered around still remember me :)

Weekend fun

The highlight of this last weekend was seeing my old college roommate.  There were some struggles getting to the meet-up, but it ended up working out perfectly.  It was so wonderful to see someone that I had so many years of history with, it was really a good anchor for me, especially as I'd just had a fight with Blaine before I left.  It was just like old times with her especially since I swear she hasn't changed a bit looks-wise since I've known her :)  Also, seeing other women my age who went through divorce was helpful for me, to know that once a marriage is over, life can still be good.

Going from that thought, I then came to an interesting self-assessment over the rest of the weekend.  (**warning, lots of boring talk about me psychoanalyzing myself ahead**)

When I got married, I worked so hard at becoming Amy Lincoln, that somehow I lost Amy Zundel in the process.  I tried so hard to be the person that Blaine would like, I wasn't me anymore.  I guess I thought that who I was wasn't good enough, and if he didn't approve of a specific talent or interest, then it wasn't worth pursuing.  I ended up repressing a lot of myself trying to do what would make him happy, and then I would believe him when he wouldn't tell me that I was good at things (singing, crafts, etc).  (for the record, this isn't to place the blame on him, I should have known better than to wait for compliments to feel good about myself)

I was playing with my cell phone last night, singing into the voice recorder.  And you know what?  I'm good at singing :)

I also lost touch with a lot of my past.  My new china cabinet has actually been therapeutic in that respect.  It could be because I'm a girl, but I love to see my treasures laid out.  They all represent something about my life, and they all remind me of an event or time in my life.  Rather symbolically I suppose, nearly everything that's displayed in there now has been hidden away for many years, because I had no place in my life to put them (mostly because he hates curio cabinets).  So, now I'm finding things around the house even dating back to my childhood, stashed in boxes, that I've kept hidden away.  Being able to display the things, even if I'm the only one that's going to see them, has really felt good.  Who knew a piece of furniture could be so meaningful?

Day one ... only 180 or so to go

So, as I've mentioned before, in CA there is a required six month waiting period before the divorce is final.  The waiting period however, doesn't start until after the defendant is served their papers.  Finally after much waiting, I got served my papers today.  We've technically been seperated since Aug 4.

It's frustrating to have to go through all of this, but at least there's progress being made in one direction or another.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot to report on as far as the actual divorce goes.  We need to get into high gear to get our stuff seperated and gotten rid of so I can move to a smaller house so we're not paying an arm and a leg to keep up a huge house that we don't need.  Hopefully we'll make a start on that this weekend.

Also of interest this weekend, I'm planning on seeing a college roommate that I haven't seen in over 5 years.  I'm totally excited to see her!!  As long as timing works out, I'm planning on in two weeks from today/tomorrow heading up to Seattle for the weekend to hang out with her and another college roommate who live up that way.  I could use the time off, and it would be amazing to spend time with those girls.