Going from that thought, I then came to an interesting self-assessment over the rest of the weekend. (**warning, lots of boring talk about me psychoanalyzing myself ahead**)
When I got married, I worked so hard at becoming Amy Lincoln, that somehow I lost Amy Zundel in the process. I tried so hard to be the person that Blaine would like, I wasn't me anymore. I guess I thought that who I was wasn't good enough, and if he didn't approve of a specific talent or interest, then it wasn't worth pursuing. I ended up repressing a lot of myself trying to do what would make him happy, and then I would believe him when he wouldn't tell me that I was good at things (singing, crafts, etc). (for the record, this isn't to place the blame on him, I should have known better than to wait for compliments to feel good about myself)
I was playing with my cell phone last night, singing into the voice recorder. And you know what? I'm good at singing :)
I also lost touch with a lot of my past. My new china cabinet has actually been therapeutic in that respect. It could be because I'm a girl, but I love to see my treasures laid out. They all represent something about my life, and they all remind me of an event or time in my life. Rather symbolically I suppose, nearly everything that's displayed in there now has been hidden away for many years, because I had no place in my life to put them (mostly because he hates curio cabinets). So, now I'm finding things around the house even dating back to my childhood, stashed in boxes, that I've kept hidden away. Being able to display the things, even if I'm the only one that's going to see them, has really felt good. Who knew a piece of furniture could be so meaningful?
3 comments:
What?!?! Not good at singing?!?!? Ok, what planet is he from? You have one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard! I'm glad you're figuring some stuff out through all of this. And I can't wait until you come up here to visit! I'll call you soon!
Zerbert, you are an awesome singer! I know cuz of all the years in choir together! Trust me!
Miss ya!
It's not that he didn't like my singing, more like he tolerated it at best, and didn't really support me doing anything that required his direct involvement (for example when I was in community choir in MA, two concerts a year were generally too much to ask). So from the lack of support, I inferred that I must not be very good. Just wanted to clarify that, definitely don't want to bash him.
Also - I haven't heard the name Zerbert in forever. THAT brings back memories :)
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